User blog:Spikewitwicky/March 17th, 2015 - Spike's Journal Entry
I'm back home. I was up at around 3:30 in the morning, but dad convinced me to go back to sleep (more on that later). It's around 9:30 in the morning right now. Upon the advice of some people, I think today, I'm going to take it easy. My run-in with the Kingsnake was on the news. It's a perfect time to lay low. Besides, I haven't been with Megan for almost two weeks. Yesterday was rough. I ended up leaning on Marissa quite a bit. In fact, I've realized how much I've come to rely on her when it comes to keeping this Joe/Bot alliance together. I mistakenly assumed when we were in Trucial Abysmia rescuing Anwar Assan that when she fired on a few guards, it was "Joe behavior" (you're in combat, people are trying to kill you. kill them back). But she told me afterwards, she struggled with the notion that she likely killed some people during our rescue. I couldn't stop crying yesterday - imagining the lives of the people I may have killed...ok, I PROBABLY killed - how they would have lived if some of them were able to crawl out of Cobra's toxic clutches. Marissa said that feeling may be what defines us as EDC - maybe Prime wants the members of EDC to be people who are going to react this way when we have to engage with other humans, as opposed to governments and armies (including our own) who are so immune to the fact that civilian casualties in wars are inevitable - that they automatically factor in "civilian casualties." Prime finally met with me. I dreaded meeting with him, but he was his usual "Prime" self. And reassured me I did all I could do. I haven't spoken to him since Alpha Trion died. I finally got to extend my sympathies. He gave his typical "He (A3) died protecting those he loved. And he will be remembered for all eternity" type of speech, but I think he's taking Alpha Trion's death harder than he lets on. I wanted to tell him about what Alpha Trion gave me. But with Marissa and Mel around - plus in an area where we had a downed shuttle, I thought it wasn't the right time. He said he'd be available before he gets back to Cybertron. I gave Mel the tape of the events - she can do what she wants with it. Tweet it, blog it, post it on MySpace or Facebook, whatever. Riding back with Mel and Marissa - I realized how much I came to rely on these two...friends. Marissa is my friend. Definitely. Mel, I gotta be a lot more carfeful using that word. She's a journalist. Her job is to report. She's great - and I'll always give her the first scoop, but I have to assume she's friendly with me because of access, not anything on my end. Acting friendly...and being a friend are two different things. Bumblebee is my friend. My best friend. I act friendly toward Red Alert and Gears . Anyway - I'm back at Autobot City. And for awhile, I thought I was ready to move on. Take Marissa's advice - think about getting some help. But I'm ready to move on. Start studying for my med boards. Assist with pushing back Cobra with their latest scheme. Be there for Megan. But then in a moment where I'm all alone - and no Marissa, Autobots to talk to - I lost it again, as the events come back to me - and I play it back in my head again...and again. And I realize that this is probably going to take awhile to process and move on from. This morning, I felt sick. I cried my eyes out. And my dad shows up. He's usually not short on advice, but this time, he just listened. And he told me that a. I am a civilian, b. my actions most likely did result in casualties. Yes, there's an outside chance no one was killed, but moving past this event going under the assumption that my actions resulted in 'no casualties' was not the way to deal with this. And c. this is going to be a challenge to overcome. I asked if he encountered this feeling in Korea (the white elephant in the Witwicky room). He said 'yes.' He talked more about the war than I think in almost any time I can remember. He talked about how he sabotaged a lot of vehicles - and that likely resulted in deaths. But for him - it was part of survival. He was a prisoner. He even said that after the war, he turned to the bottle to deal with these types of feelings. ANOTHER thing I didn't know about him. But apparently, he cleaned himself up before he met mom. When my mom died, I put a lot of energy into "doing stuff" for the family - caring for Buster, keeping the house orderly to help dad. Because the alternative (the moment I stopped doing anything, all that grief came flowing back) was too painful. I know throwing myself into studying for the medical boards may not be the most healthy way to deal, but at least it's constructive. I'm not comparing myself to Peter Parker (obviously) - but this is one of those "costs" that has come with our very unique position. Dad and I get this "once in an lifetime" chance to actually LIVE with an alien species. BUT - it came at a cost of keeping our family together. We get to see how these magnificient beings live - get to ride along with them, get to see another planet! ... and when the Autobots are unfairly framed by Sean Berger, we get nothing less than the collective hatred of the human population focused on us - thrown tomatoes, garbage, and all. And I get to fly a shuttle and help out the Autobots...and get in a situation where I very well may be put in a situation like 2 days ago. Spikewitwicky (talk) 14:29, March 17, 2015 (UTC) Category:Blog posts